I've been secretly blogging for years now. Putting ideas, wonderings and midnight revelations to paper that have never seen the light of day. Until today.
At a traditional post-swim latte 'meeting' a couple weeks ago, my friend Lindsey and I got talking about the ways in which we each feel called and best equipped to do our work in the world. Writing has always been a particularly enjoyable and comfortable vehicle for me, as it indulges an aspect of my-self that yearns to see itself in languaged metaphor. And yet, I rarely share my writings.
"Why?" she asked. Lindsey's simple question, thoughtful holding of space, and the contemplations that flowed for me were enough to find me here now. Deciding to do it differently today.
As a spiritual artist, I have had much practice in moving through personal blocks in the process of making art. I have made regular acquaintance with self judgement, disappointment, fear and doubt. Biggies, that show up now and again to give me opportunity to refine, refine, refine my soul. And refine I do, every day recommitting by simply showing up at the canvas in a dedicated effort to see myself in both the process of creating, and the creation itself. The human me and the cosmic me in paint and brush strokes.
But as I contemplated sharing my writing, I noticed that the blocks that stop me in my tracks here are different than those I have come to be comfortable facing in my studio. Sharing my writing evokes a unique kind of fear, nuanced in ways that feel historical and worthy of re-evaluation. My essential fears are/were...
- Feeling obligated to feed something (i.e., a blog) my ongoing energy with no guarantee I'll be dedicated to it forever. I love my transient nature... starting is inspiring... maintaining, less so. I don't want to disappoint, nor feel pressure to produce.
- Exposing myself to a degree that I have never before. Like many artists, so much of my inner creative and mystical world lives in personal direct experience only, with a small few invited to see behind the curtain.
- Enough-ness. Is what I am sharing insightful enough? Interesting enough? Well-written enough? Inspiring enough?
- Declaring myself a leader. This is two part. The first is around increasing the expectation of me as a teacher, as I dearly appreciate the space and compassion to be the in-progress human that I am. The second part is related my desire to see people personally empowered, not dependant on external wisdom. It is my intention for people to take, leave or build upon any of my ideas and sharings at will.
- Taking the time to commit the abstract to density. The leap between insight and image has been easier for me, given that image is more easily left abstract. Words are a step further into the physical, and I have feared that my capacity to accurately render insight into shareable language is limited, or at the very least, rusty.
And so in sharing here, I have decided on a new and more liberating agreement with myself and my friends reading this, with the intention of enabling me to come out of the spiritual closet....
I commit to sharing personal writings oriented towards humility, honesty, courage, and Spirit. I promise to practice self-compassion and release self imposed expectation and judgement. I will joyfully give myself the space and time required to be an artist of words, just as I do in my studio. Devotion is not required by readers. Love and kindness are. And finally, I trust that the simple act of choosing to share... to reveal... to offer... changes everything.
This post is already enough.